Dion Learning Lessons

Author: Cleopatra Dion

  • Unexplained Failures (Erasable Mistakes) Closet

    Unexplained Failures (Erasable Mistakes) Closet

    People always associate failures with negative and bad experiences. For the purpose of sensitivity to others, in this blog I will call failures “erasable mistakes.” While I refer to failures as erasable mistakes, I also know that there are some mistakes that cannot be erased, but you can crawl, walk, jump or fly over them. I prefer to fly over my erasable mistakes. Flying simply means quickly getting over them without a scratch. What will be an example of an erasable mistake? Anything that you think you started late in life, education, marriage, business or career? The good news is, you started, adjusted, and changed course as your deep desires and passion pulled you to the right direction. As long as you are still breathing, that is the only criteria needed for evolution or expansion. Not even age can limit growth.

    Although, age is not just a number. In this scenario, let’s consider age as just a number because we need to erase some mistakes. On the other hand, examples of erasable mistakes are all the opportunities that were lost along the way. Some Christians’ believe that whatever God has for you, is yours and it cannot be missed. While that is true on some level, there are stories in the Bible that proved otherwise. God can replace you with another or stones if the need be. Daniel’s prayers were delayed, unbelief kept people from receiving their blessings on time, in the case of Abraham, waiting on the Lord was compromised and that interrupted God’s divine plans. I did not want to quote many scriptures and bore you, but these are all true stories. We can miss opportunities if we are not ready when they show up or come our way.

    I purposefully want to succeed in everything I do, and try not to miss too many opportunities, but the unpremeditated side effects of that drive for success, is sometimes inexplicable failures. Some of my erasable mistakes ranges from dysfunctional family ties, to marital or abusive wounds, to travelling scars, to delayed career moves, and even the loss of great friendships. To flop at some things might just be a learning curve or knowing what doesn’t work and changing course. In my generation, most parents will always tell their children they were the best in their class and make success appear natural, while they themselves were struggling with their average lives. Today, my daughters know that I was not always the smartest child growing up, still working at being smart, but I studied and prayed my way to success.

    As a child I always wondered, “If someone was so good at something, or the best in their class, why does it not translate to instant success in real life or life after school?” Sincerely, most people who were just average in school experience great success faster every now and then. You see, there is more to learning than just being good, smart or the best. (If you are naturally a smart person and have experienced great success, overlook this section, but if you think like me and have experienced unexplained failures, read on) Nobody plans to be unsuccessful in life, but everyone sets out to succeed and probably tries to make a big splash on life’s stage. As a lifelong student, sometimes I think I have gotten some things down to science, meaning I do not feel the need to study a particular subject over and over again in order to pass or win in life. That assumption was disproved in all of my previous universities. Now, I understand why Thomas Edison took more than a thousand times to have a bright “light bulb”.  For some of us, to erase mistakes, we have to do things over and over again until our light bulb moment appears. There should also be the need to change course while we shut down or quit what does not work. There is a popular saying “If you do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, you’re insane.” I say if you do the same failed things over and over again, and receive an encouraging report (or a little light bulb moment) that only you can understand or interpret, I will say keep at it until you leap forward. After all, life is mostly routines.

    Freedom Thoughts

    To understand erasable mistakes, we have to define success. Let’s all agree that society has also define success and failures for us. The more money you have, the more successful you are. “The Forbes List”, more degrees, more properties, more power, more spiritual, more religion, more pride, more ego, more companies, more followers, more friends, more trophies, more popularity, etc. You get the idea. In fact, more of everything is considered successful except more spouses.  Even more wives in some part of our culture are a sign of wealth and success. As a society, we do not want to encourage more failures, but we should remove the stigma of failures from the closet by talking more about how we failed before we succeeded.

    Failure is an education arc but our society shines more light or amplifies success without sharing the many failure stories before success. Have you ever wondered why you kept trying something over and over again, but did not work? And other people will try that same thing and boom, instant success? The idea of a merit based society does still exist probably in vacuity. Sometimes we cannot deny that access to an influential source can make a big difference between success and failure. Occasionally, someone has to guide your way to success or simply shine some light on your hard work. When breakthroughs don’t come as effortless as everyone makes it seem, you start questioning your abilities and disabilities. Disabilities in this context are not primarily physical. It can be procrastination, lack of motivation, inadequate finances, depression, dysfunctional anxiety, “it’s too hard mentality”, wrong location, and every kind of demoralizing excuses that can keep you from succeeding, is what I call disabilities. Is there anything such as luck? What about the “it factor”? What about chance or fate? Did you really work hard to succeed or did you just get lucky? Did you study everything you can that created your success? Romans 9:16 and Galatians 6:9. People often talk about the “It factor.” I call it the “favor factor” or the “God favor.” It does exist sometimes in my opinion, when it comes to success. How should we tap into it? Prayers (asking), researching (seeking), and looking (watching) out for opportunities. Matthew 7:7

    The failure learning curves, the avoidable errors and the erased mistakes should be taught as openly as our successes. The secret to success should no longer be a secret but an open path. I know a few people have written books on their secrets to success, but society still abhors the fact that you should keep your secret to yourselves, and even your failures should be in the closet. In fact, we are all guilty of hiding our failures and magnifying our successes without detailed explanations on that journey to success. But, the monopoly of knowledge or lack of knowledge can destroy a nation. Hosea 4:6

    Reflections

    1. You are not a failure because you failed at anything, but because you did not have the courage to erase your mistakes
    2. You can have courage, but without proper tools, failure is still inevitable
    3. Study your way to success (You can also pray) Proverbs 3 & 4
    4. Open up your failures to embrace your success
    5. Share your steps of failure before you succeeded because this may help someone climb up the success ladder
    6. We should all teach as long as we can speak
    7. I contemplate that every one of us has untapped potential which can also be titled “enclosed greatness”
    8. Learn the skills to fly over your failures and move quickly from them
    9. What is done is done. If your mistakes cannot be erased, bury that dream, close your eyes, and dream a completely new dream
    10. Fear of failure should never be in your consideration list to success
    11. Failures are like big and small bumps to your great success, fight them if you can, avoid them at all cost, learn from them if need be, erase them as quickly as possible and allow them if they are inevitable Proverbs 24:16
    12. Always look out for the “God factor” “Favor factor” “Grace factor” or “It factor.” These factors can make hard work look easy 
  • Devaluation Closet

    Devaluation Closet

    Devaluation is the reduction of worth or value. This second DC (Devaluation Closet) emanates from societal norms, values, and expectations. Where do norms, values, and expectations come from? They come from upbringing, beliefs, culture, educational background, work or home environments, and institutional establishments. There is an expected age to graduate from high school, college, marry, have children, start a career or build a business, and then retire. Any slight deviation from these unwritten norms creates unconscious devaluation to those who fell short. These expectations are set up in a way to chip away at our personal values or character if we do not meet the societal criteria and subliminal deadlines. Those that fall short of these expectations before they turn a certain age (preferable 40, 50 or 60) receive silent or awkward stares of diminished value. 

    ​Although the 21st century is breaking every glass ceiling of the deep rooted social norms, values, and expectations, we still subconsciously suffer from the side effects of being single at an advanced age, miserably married fearing divorce, and televising happily married life without solicitation. People who underperform in each stage create their DC or feel the need to hide or shut down. How? Are you qualified, highly educated, got the dream job, got married, have children, are building your career, yet feel devalued, underappreciated and underpaid? Do you feel the need to explain your worth and value every time you’re asked what you do? Let’s examine the three most extortionate or underpriced values in our culture today. No matter your education, qualifications, or success, society rotates their questions around these three value added lenses.

    Single: Singlehood becomes shameful as some point, according to the common trend that drives my everyday conversations. As a single person turning 32 and unmarried, graduated years ago from college, dated around but had no commitments, running away from immediate family and friends with multiple questions about single-hood was a great idea. Then I ran into a church, where most sermons were full of adoration or idolatry about the marriage institution. (My heartfelt apology to healthy sermons that are Christ-centered). It was as though if you were not married at the societal subconscious procure age, then your value was greatly diminished no matter how financially or academically successful you are. You are unqualified to give advice on marriage issues or hold a prominent ecclesiastical sensitive position. (I Corinthians 7) This chapter is a sermon from unmarried Paul to prospective couples and the married couples. The unmarried should be less preoccupied as it relates to things of the spirit, but our society has placed a high tag on marriage that makes so many aged singles run into DC. (If you’re advanced and single and have never felt devalued, please ignore my experiences.) How do singles over 40 feel devalued in this day and age? The constant barrage of questions, “Are you married? When is your wedding date? Do you have any children? Are you chasing career instead of thinking about settling down? Adopt children or use dating apps and modern day technology etc.” Marriage is desirable; the Bible clearly stated that. But we can celebrate singles without reducing their worth. Children are a blessing from God, not a new figurine to acquire to make society happy. We can rewrite the subconscious rules and make our hearts reflect on the true value of singlehood, (not priesthood) starting with you who is reading this blog now. Ask your unmarried singles who happen to be over 40 what their experiences have been and encourage them if you can.

    Married: The congratulatory messages after finally getting married (either for love or under pressure) will make you visit DC. In trying to set the right balance and evaluate your compromise married meter, you have to give away some values. Marriage is compromise, they say? I say marriage is a selective compromise. What can you really compromise in order not to devalue yourself? For example, you can compromise on different hair colors or hair styles, but not whether to tell the truth or not tell the truth. After many years of unknown expectations, what is married life like? Will I experience devaluation too? Here is a list: competition, abuse, unhealthy compromise, an unsupportive partner, different career goals, being immoral, ethical dilemmas, religious beliefs, political affiliations, financial imbalances, spiritual concessions, and unspecified expectations. These are things that will diminish a person’s values in marriage. Remember that these things are no longer societal norms, but internal conflicts that are capable of stealing away confidence, sense of worth, and values. Seriously, this feels like the 18thcentury, addressing marriages in relation to devaluation. But these issues are currently being discussed daily during my one-on-one encounters with people. ​

    ​Divorced (Detached): Was single, then married, and now it’s over. (I used divorced because it is a common thread, but actually I am a young widow) Grief and loss can be felt after divorce. We are asking more of the same questions: Where do I start? Who do I hide from? Where did I go wrong? Why did I not see this coming? What could I have done to prevent it? Am I not worth it? There is that word again, “worth”, which speaks to value. These questions are deeply rooted in our personal values and that of the society. 

    For many young singles, dating is an exciting time, but for aged singles and divorcees, dating is the scariest time due to the vulnerability of the past and the fear of exposure. People usually give advice like don’t talk about your past during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. In the interim, your dating partner is digging up everything he/she needs to know to establish trust. Opening up the past in any relationship is risky, but it is the only currency needed to be trusted. I know what you are thinking, it can also scare them away. Well, love is not easily afraid or shaken in any way. God gave us the Bible with the good, the bad and the ugly without leaving any of the uncomfortable details out, while at the same time professing His love for us. Leaving out your past for a long time in a new relationship is a ticking time bomb of deceptive explosives which will truly shrink your value. But ask questions like “Would you want to know if I have anything in my past that would make you uncomfortable?” Divorces and baggage can whittle away at  your self-confidence and leave you in the DC for long if not properly exposed.

    Freedom Thoughts

    ​​​​Let’s take a look at “competition”. This word is a common thread that links the three reasons devaluation mostly happens. As a single person you compete with your siblings, friends, colleagues, or other family members. First to go to college, first to be married, first to own a car, first to have children, etc. I know I can hear some of my friends screaming out loud, “I don’t compete with anyone, only with myself.” While that is true on some level, maybe you are constantly comparing, which is another form of competition. The fact remains whether you are intentionally or unintentionally avoiding competition, it does not mean the rest of the world won’t compete with you. The need to compete is probably why the societal norms, values, and expectations can stick to us like glue. If you neither compare nor compete, how do you measure growth or success? You have to hold a mirror to see what is clear, and believe me, if you are your own mirror, then we have a problem. Mentor-ship can create a healthy competition, while pioneers have the grace to function without paying any attention to imitations. Romans 12:6

    In marriage, competition can be degrading. For example, a friend who is a nurse suggested to me that she wants to further her career to be a doctor, but her husband said no. When she laid out the main reason for her husband’s refusal, I was shocked. The husband is a doctor, and his reasoning was that he doesn’t want her to be in the same professional circle or class as him. I said what? In this day and age? But my inner spirit quickly shot me down, and instead prompted me to ask her the most important question which was “Do you love him?” She quickly answered yes without thinking it through. My advice then was do not go to medical school. She was furious, but I was serious. If you love him, acknowledge his fears and insecurities. Maybe he will overcome them someday, or maybe not. I have seen marriages break because both partners were feeding their egos through educational goals and career successes. But I have also seen marriages break because there was not enough career challenges to keep the couples together. Yes, people sacrifice their careers for love or sacrifice love for their careers. Either way, be sure you can handle being single at any stage.

    Reflection:

    1. If you’re an aged single, married, or divorced, and you are truly happy, keep it that way.

    2. If you’re a miserable single, miserably married or divorced, speak up and change your circumstances.

    3. Education, qualifications, academic titles, (such as Dr., Arc. Barr.Engr.,) was not full addressed in this closet because some use these degrees or titles as a mark to hide from daily human emotions.

     

  • Disqualification Closet

    Disqualification Closet

    Disqualification can be internal or external. For many years after sharing my ideas or visions with a few people, I’d hear something like this “They said you can’t.” I have always wondered, who are the “they”? Does “they” have a physical address? Can I visit “they” and have a heart to heart conversation of never giving up with “they”? What I am getting at is that I was building a new DC (Disqualification Closet) even before I evaluated my own strengths and weaknesses. Even the greatest weaknesses of mankind ever recorded have been neutralized from ever disqualifying anyone from greatness. A person can also discourage themselves from the loud disapproval that is coming from friends, families and others. The voice of disqualification sounds like this, “What makes you think that what you are bringing to the table is different from what someone else has brought to that table before?” The reason I called this closet “DC” is because that great idea, that next generation technology, or that big dream could have changed the world or maybe just changed one person, but it remains hidden forever because the wrong light was shown on it. In the age of disqualifications, people’s potentials are wasting, while only a few dare to dream bigger than themselves. Then, we all stand in awe of their dreams that are blossoming right before our eyes. ​

    ​This closet can also be titled the “cannot closet.” The thoughts that I am having right now for this DC goes like this; I am not educated enough, I am too educated, I don’t have the right credentials, I don’t have the right title behind my name, I am not famous enough, I am not strong enough, I have a different background, a different degree, I have an accent, too black, not black enough, my grammar is sometimes off, sometimes right, I am not smart enough, etc. Who said we only need smart, famous, or strong people before we can do anything? (1 Corinthians 1:27) These are clutches that no one should lean on while on their way to success. These thoughts are all thoughts that flow through our minds when we are trying to put ourselves in a DC. The reason it is a disqualifier is because you are hiding it from people and looking for the right time to perfect your disabilities before taking any action. That right time will never come, if you don’t act right now on whatever you got in your DC, then you’re not ready for any kind of success. Most smart and successful people started with their DC with plenty of failures and inadequacies along the way. No success without plenty of failures. “Practice makes perfect” or “Practice makes permanent”. These are slogans that do not hold the whole truth. Consistent practice with periodic assessments not only makes perfect permanent, but transforms generations. Don’t practice something to perfect it when it has been proven not to work. During periodic assessments, change course if need be. 

    Freedom Thoughts

    ​When you are disqualified from anything life throws in front of you, you go searching for answers. Let’s take the story of David and Goliath in the Bible. I know this is a common sermon preached with different interpretations, but let’s look at David. He was disqualified even before he had a chance to prove his qualification. First, his family ridiculed him for his stature, profession, and his position in the family. Second, his nation ridiculed him about not having the right material to slay the giant Goliath. If you are familiar with 1 Samuel 17, Goliath’s qualifications from his youth was so magnified that it made David’s nation dismayed and greatly afraid. David used his years of training in the field mixed with faith. (Education Vs Faith is another day’s blogging title) Faith can mean believing in God, confidence in yourself, trusting your instincts, having courage, knowing your strengths, or a substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1). 

    ​As people were disqualifying David, David was requalifying himself (1 Samuel 17:28) David’s eldest brother angrily rebuked David and accused him of showing off. “I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart.” Wow! Have you ever shared something with someone then they immediately think you are prideful or just showing off when in your heart you were only trying to tell them you can slay a giant? David became smart, famous and strong after he defeated the obstacle in front of him with his faith, a stone, and a sling. You cannot be smart, famous or strong without first opening your DC. The significant of David’s faith, a stone and a sling, is that you cannot use another person’s faith and opinions to defeat any giant in your life, you have to use your own tools (I Samuel 17: 38-39) I believe that another person’s education and faith are not easily transferable or received by osmosis. We can benefit a little from people’s education and their faith, but that benefit is not enough to change the world or our immediate circumstances. 

    ​Finally, as you try to get out of your DC, do not drive yourself into the competitive mood. Don’t copy things you are not passionate about. (Romans 12:4) I have recently learned that we are all different in three ways: our fingerprints (what we do), our footprints (where we go) and our mouths (what we say) can make a difference in our family, faith, business, education, justice system, media, and even the government. Find your own Goliath nation to conquer and leave your three DNA prints there. 

    Reflection

    1. Be educated, not only in the academic setting, but other settings

    2. Be encouraged to study, train, and pick up tools as you are getting ready for the day of disqualification

    3. When “they” pull out their list of disqualifications, be ready to pull out your list of qualifications

    4. Open your DC wide without fear until you find your purpose in life and slay that giant

    5. If the education or the certifications required was met, find out why you were disqualified

    6. Requalify yourself by any good means necessary

    7. Find tolerable solutions around religion and politics

    8. Find peaceful solutions around injustice and racism 

    9. I know some of you will say, “Fight injustice and racism!” Yes, Only if God gave you the tools to do so. Not many people are equipped to fight a battle that sometimes only belongs to God and probably one man (1 Samuel 17) Remember the whole of Israel’s army was at the battlefield including their chosen king Saul.

    10. If you do not use injustice, racism, and the unfair nature of life as a clutch, success is inevitable.

    11. Today, regardless of race, religion, and politics that has clouded justice, success can thrive without a hinge. 

    12. There should not be a universal standard for qualification or disqualification without understanding the uniqueness of individuality. “Life is not fair.” But life is promising.  

     

  • Financial Closet

    Financial Closet

    When you are financially well off, and something happens in your life that drains your bank to nearly zero, acting like you still have a fully intact bank account is what I call living in a financial closet. Not asking for the appropriate help will physically and mentally affect your way back to the top. In our productively driven generation, where many people work so hard and fast to make ends meet, you wonder how fast money can fly out the window sometimes. If you have multiple secret closets to open and heal from, sooner or later, it takes a toll on your financial health. In actuality, most people don’t want to be Bill Gates, and they want some stability that does not include living from paycheck to paycheck.

    Are you a doctor, nurse, lawyer, or some professional guru? Has the smartboard of life rewritten your financial story without warning? Over a year and a half, I was financially challenged. A situation I dreaded and had worked hard for many years to avoid finally happened. I have multiple degrees and changed careers numerous times, but the financial crisis hit my domain and forced me into this closet. Although a sequence of uncontrollable events led me to a financial breakdown, the economic pain brought shame, vulnerability, and loss of friends. (To my wonderful close friends for life, if I did not lose you, enjoy reading my financial closet with love.)

    Shame: I could not tell anyone I was financially handicapped because, judging by my qualifications, I should not be near the word broke. People depended on me. Saying no to their needs was particularly painful, and no one could understand why anyone in my career path could be hurt. It almost sounded like I was lying or refusing to help. I did not dare to inform them of my now-past situation. If you keep things hidden in different closets, every shadow of your being covers the unpretentious you. I have been so successful by God’s grace and favor for many years that I almost took my success for granted. Does it mean that you lost God’s grace and favor during your financial crisis? Not! (Philippians 4:12) There were some economic principles I did not fully understand during my success ride. (Future blog will address the financial regulations that helped me.)

    Vulnerability: From an early age, it was difficult for me to ask for help from anyone
    as an independent woman. When I now ask for help, especially in finance, and I hear the word “no,” my defenselessness is magnified by a thousand. In my mind, I was going to figure this out quietly. As weeks turned into months, it was evident that everyone around me would soon discover something was wrong, and I grew helpless. As I meditated during my quiet time, my thought waves produced this; “Do not let old riches punish you for your current financially challenged situation.” The next thought was to remember Michael Jackson. Yes, the late pop star. As I continued with my meditation, hoping desperately to get a more precise meaning of these thoughts coming at me so strongly, it hit me: Michael Jackson was a rich public icon, but he was also too vulnerable to ask for help, in my opinion. He died without having enough money to spend, even for his health. Nevertheless, after my brief mediation, I summoned enough courage to tell a few close friends, and their reactions enlarged my financial closet hideout. My following action was to tell my situation to two total strangers (in a professional setting, of course) who knew nothing about my title or background. (I also do counseling in my work, so I know a few steps.) It worked. They gave me some tools to come out of this painful closet. The lesson here is when you are feeling ashamed and vulnerable in any situation or about anything, keep speaking up until you’ve been heard. Someone out there somewhere will have some answers, if not all. Your solution is in your voice, or should I say your search. (Matthew 7:7)

    Loss of friends: I hear some great friends saying, “Why would you lose friends because you’re broke?” “They were never your friends in the first place.” “Friendships are for a reason, a season, and a lifetime.” These are all clichés that do not hold for me. I’m afraid I authentically have to disagree with them. Who wants to lose a friend for any reason at any season, especially when you need them the most? I know that sometimes, crisis upon crisis can strain a relationship, even with married couples. As a genuine friend, if you have ever been broke, you lost friends, right? (Be honest). The loss of some close friends was the most painful part of this hidden closet, but as I prayed my way out, the “yoyo” or “fair weather” friends wanted to resume our friendship again as if nothing happened. We all need to quote every scripture that says to forgive, heal, pray, trust God, and move on. What about the scriptures that speak to watch and test all spirits? Well, I have learned to trust God more, as I am still yet to figure out my millions of friends who will send me Bible quotations during a financial crisis instead of just sending me a token. (Luke 11:5) Have you ever forgiven anyone? I have countless times because forgiveness is a commandment we must all obey to move forward with God. But my observation is that after the forgiveness, there is a long cautionary tale of residuals that both sides bring back to the table. Translation: the relationship can be reasonably healthy but never be the same again.

    Reflection:

    1. Does poverty produce shame, vulnerability, and loss of friends?
    2. Do riches produce shame, vulnerability, and loss of friends?
    3. Must everyone be rich?
    4. Must everyone be poor?
    5. Should everyone endeavor to understand the wealthy, middle class, and poor and, from there, find their comfort level?
    6. What are the benefits of being rich?
    7. What are the benefits of being poor?
    8. When do you know you’ve had enough money?
    9. Between prayer, studying, and hard work, which is the most effective during the financial crisis?
    10. Don’t we have to study what to pray for or how hard we must work? (2 Timothy 2:15)

    Freedom Thoughts

    Finance is connected to your thoughts. Sometimes, through weird religious goggles, we frown at very successful people or very successful Christians. Quoting scriptures like Matthew 19:24, it’s almost like we want God to put a cap on our financial success. Proverbs says that poverty is an attack (I don’t like to be attacked by anything) and that being lazy will make you poor, but hard work will make you rich. (Proverbs 6:11 & 10:4) I hear you say, “But being rich is not everyone’s calling!” True, but it is mostly everyone’s desire. Money is not wrong, but the love of money is bad because it puts God second or last on your priority list. (Mark 10:21) So let’s adjust our religious goggles to see a better world where wealthy people (including wealthy Christians) are changing lives. (Ephesians 3:20) We sometimes become rich to give to those in need. (Ephesians 4:28) how financially successful do you want to be? (Proverbs 23:7) Stable average, close to rich, decadent, wealthy, or super wealthy? My deep-rooted thoughts go like this: I want to be able to pay just my mortgage, send my children to college, and feed them three times a day (stable average?) Nowadays, not only do I want to take action swiftly on the things I am learning, but I also want to study my way into financial success. You will never work or study hard enough until you heal your monetary thought pattern and get a grip on how financially successful you want to be. You can be educated and broke, hardworking, and still be broke. I was at both ends of the spectrum. The most financially successful people work hard at studying the world around them while making risky, intelligent choices to get the financial breakthrough they need.

     

  • Abuse Closet #metoo

    Abuse Closet #metoo

    The abuse closet is the most secretive closet to open for the world to see. I am trying to be culturally sensitive as I open this closet. In my culture, which is West African, this is a “taboo” subject to discuss. Women who have been abused sometimes say statements like “I will never tell” or “I will rather take this to my grave” because according to them, they cannot bear the shame that comes with exposing abusive behaviors or an abusive relationship. There is also the notion that if the abusive relationship has financial benefits and the abuser is a great provider, then there is no need to rock the boat. On the other hand, most of my adult life was in the western world, where everyone is encouraged to speak up if they were abused or currently in an abusive environment. This closet has different layers, ranging from childhood to adulthood. As a young girl in college, I was physical and sexually abused on campus by the same young man who professed to love me. I was wounded, broken, and my life was almost altered forever by the blink of an eye. At twenty eight, I was raped at a friend’s house. At thirty two, I was physically and sexually abused by my former boss. At forty plus, I was again physically and sexually abused by another former boss. We all know abuse can happen at any age to anyone. “Poor you!” Oh no, not “poor me.” I have turned all my wounds into victory scars. (Psalm 92: 12 & 94:12-23) For those who have been abused and can understand, empathize and sympathize, I feel you, because no two injuries are the same, even if the weapon that produces those injuries are the same. Wounds can heal and leave a regular scar or a victory scar. (We will discuss victory scars on this blog after we open all the closets.)

    However, when you are broken at any age due to abuse, healing might take years. Twenty two years after my college episode, I met face-to-face with my abuser again. Real tears started running down my cheeks, and I was stunned and wanted to know why the pain of this abuse was still garden-fresh in my memory. Numerous other cruelties have happened years after college, so why does this still hurt so much? Maybe because it was my first ever encounter with an abusive relationship that set the tone for many other abusive arrays over the years. If you’ve ever been abused and then hide it, even as a child, it is then easier to hide every other abusive encounter, even if they are unrelated to the first abuser.

    I started searching for answers, because I should recognize abusive tendencies, (I thought to myself) by the age of forty. I read books, listened to Oprah, went for counseling, and used my mustard seed faith to ask God some hard questions and He answered me back with Psalm 37. Abuse usually happened at home or in a relationship. I never thought that any employer would ever put their hands on me because I applied for every job with undeniable qualifications, and my skills were on the table, not my body. (If you know me well enough, I am a lifelong learner who probably is thinking of what classes to enroll in after this blog session.)

    This abusive closet is closely related to the modern day #metoo movement, hiding from abusive powerful bosses for more than two or three decades. When the #metoo movement came to light, many were taking aback. While this saga was playing out on our television screens and news outlets daily, I was working under a boss whose name could be substituted for Harvey Weinstein or any of the other #metoo larger-than-life public figures and it will fit perfectly. As each day went by, and abusive male names were dropped and slandered on the media scene, my boss would say to me,” That will never happen to me, they are so foolish leaving their tracks without coverage.” What does that mean, you may ask? It simply means these predators had enough power, money, and influence to keep things from going south.

    Do you know that in an abusive environment, no matter how powerful you are, your predator can sense your vulnerability? Examples are you love your job, your clients love your services, the job pays very well, you feel like the job was tailor made for you or you have a sense of purpose doing this job. These examples sound like good qualities any boss will appreciate in an employee, but to an abusive boss, they are also your vulnerabilities. I was very influential and powerful in my job arena, yet vulnerable but did not know it. I was at a job where sexual harassment was the norm. Who should be the first to speak up against our workplace’s Harvey Weinstein? After you summon up the courage to speak up, what is the backlash? My backlash cost me everything. I still have no regret for speaking up, but there was no justice either from the natural look of things. (Psalm 94:1 & Romans 12:19) I felt broken again, yet relief for the courage to leave. I still have some residue of unforgiveness, resentment, injustice, and wondering why plain evil can still have the nerve to walk around freely. I know for some that your Harvey Weinstein stares at you daily in your face. Find the courage to just tell one person, because when you let a little blink go, it turns into a wink, and so forth progresses to unwrap and the rest is history. In many cases, if the predator is rich like mine was, they will say something along the lines of wanting their money or their little bit of fame. Why that in it of itself is not true, it is another tactic to keep you enslaved. I got to thinking, how much can anyone pay for a sorrowful life that was abused? What is the price tag for the potential that was lost, and what that potential could have developed without the abuse? In my opinion, priceless! I know someone who was victimized, got paid, but are still not healed nor function well in the society. Over the years I have learnt to separate the payout from the pain. This begs question, “I am successful, so why I am still broken? How could I not know that my spirit was broken for this many years?” These questions are valid, and in my profession, I teach people how to recognize abusive signs, what safe measures are in place for victims, refer them to counseling, and even report abuse if I suspect it is happening to someone. I was very purpose-driven, racing to achieve one level of success after another, until I met face-to-face with my first abuser, and I became uncomfortable in my closet. I believe that the joy of helping others through my profession gave me satisfaction and partial resolution until I was ready to embark on my very own journey of healing.

    Refection:

    1. Report abuse to someone very close to you that is not also close to your abuser.
    2. Do not speak until you are TRULY ready to expose the evil and heal.
    3. If you can ignore the shame, stigma, judgement and questionable credibility issues that comes with your courage to open this closet, then your healing will start.
    4. Move to another city or town if you have to (very important healing step).
    5. If your abuser is been idolized by people around you, tell someone with a neutral standpoint, maybe a counselor.
    6. Remember that the same people who were on your team before you exposed the gruesome details of the abuse might leave.
    7. Remember to not bite more than you can chew, and assess your situation before you open this closet.
    8. I sincerely believe that some abusive behaviours are never to see the light of day, probably because some are quietly resolved, left unresolved, or buried forever
    9. Either way, you need to heal. So, if you are still struggling to function after you have suffered from some type of abuse, it is time to speak up.
    10. Remember your Harvey Weinstein might never be caught or face justice, but exposing your truth in this closet is for your personal growth.
    11.  

    Freedom Thoughts

           While it is written that God will avenge wrongdoing Himself, (Romans 12:19.) It is also written that God will forgive wrongdoing as well (1 John 1:9.). What if the same people who hurt you so deeply are also having their own awakening and praying for repentance? When two teams are trying to play some kind of sport against each other, both teams are praying to win the game. How will God answer both teams’ prayers? (Think about it this way; both you and your predator are praying to God to win at this game called life.) According to the Bible, He hears the cries of the righteous as well as the cries of a sinner.

           Again, is loving and praying for your enemies or those that have done you wrong more important than seeking revenge or justice at all cost? Even if you are seeking justice from God or man? (Matthew 5:44) These biblical principles make me wonder at times, but try them, they work. My freedom thoughts for today is praying to win, work hard to achieve that win, study frequently to keep the wins coming, learn from the losses, and trust God to complete everyone’s master plan according to His sovereignty. (Romans 8:28) If you have a vision of what God’s master plan is for you, you will not have time to obsess over the evil that the enemies have done to you or will do to you. The enemy’s’ devices can sometimes accelerate God’s master plan for your life. When God’s master plan reaches your lap, you will always be thankful for all (not some) that the enemies have put you through. Wow! That’s why we should love and pray for our enemies, because they are helping God directly or indirectly perfect our master plan.

     

  • Marital Closet

    Marital Closet

    Part 1: In My Dreams

    As young girl growing up, I dreamed of a fairy-tale wedding, the one that will surpass that of Kate Middleton and Megan Markle put together. Every little girl has the permission to dream these marital dreams and air them out loud to their friends and family. As odd as this may sound, I still believe in fairy-tales and a “Happily Ever After”. “Seriously Cleopatra, a Happily Ever After?” Yes! Happily Ever After! I have met some friends who confessed to me that they will remarry their current partner if there was such a thing as reincarnation. That my friends, is a happily ever after marriage. Why a fairy-tale analogy, you may ask? Not only does that happen to a minute section of our population, we need not to take away hope from young girls. Your fairy tale can be “I want to marry Mr. Rich”, or “Mr. Successful”, or “Mr. Intelligent” or “Mr. Potential”. No matter how trivial these dreams look or sound, they can actually come true if you believe in them. They can happen by God’s design, or by working hard to make them a reality.

    Someday, I thought Prince Charming (not Prince Judgmental) would see me on the street, in class, in church, at a friendly party, or during my many travels. Notice. I did not say in the bar or in the club because I don’t frequent those places, even now (Although I wish I did go, maybe my Prince Charming went there for a day just to take a sip of beer or to look for the best dance partner). This is not because I am super religious or anything. My reason for not going to the bar or club was because I had a phobia of going to those places alone. I never wanted to be labelled as a prostitute. The thought of “prostitute” came from my upbringing. Words can scar people for life. I found out quickly that whether you are in the club or not, an unintelligent person will find a way to still label a woman as a prostitute. When your Prince Charming dreams were dashed, you store that dream into the closet and that becomes the criteria for evaluating every incoming relationship. Most of us later settle for Prince Judgmental, who was ready to magnify our insecurities by calling us names like fat, lazy, skinny, bony, weak, unworthy, etc.

    Part 2: In My Reality

    When it comes to a marital pretense or a marital closet, most “Mrs.” are good at love and fuzzy outward displays of affections that makes everyone envious or dream of having a wonderful marriage like theirs. While we talk about the fluffy and fuzzy feelings of love and marriage, no one bothered to take a closer look at the strength of character, integrity issues, and sincerity of partners in the marriage union (If your marriage is healthy but not perfect, this message is not for you.). Marriages can be for love or for show. It is perfectly okay to marry for love and also okay to marry for show. If you had an elaborate wedding or are planning on having one in the future, I applaud you, because I believe that enjoying your hard earned wealth is part of life. Why work so hard to accumulate wealth if you are scared to use it for your dreams. However, if you marry for love at the registry or in your backyard, that’s also great. They say love conquers all.  As I journey in my life, I have learned to reserve judgement because I can never really walk in anyone else’s shoes but my own. To me, everyone has the ability to make their own decisions, change their own course, and respond appropriately or inappropriately and evaluate any situation that they find themselves in, because life is the biggest blackboard or “Smartboard” around.

    Was my marriage for love or for show? It was for both from my perspective as a woman. I validate men’s perception/opinion on marriage, too (Why? Topic for another day’s blog). When dreams are delayed for many years, marriages are hatched with the intent to change personality flaws. I married someone I thought I could mold into my own image, not God’s image. I wanted them to be my best friend or my only friend, my supporter, the encourager of my dreams, a partner and not a competitor. Same career maybe, same religious views, or the same political orientation. Looking back I ask myself; was my spouse also trying to mold me into their own image? Wow, I can see the clash of two nations already! Each one trying to build their dreams at the other’s expense. There are major conflicts and disagreements that are hard to reconcile. I felt like the lighter to start a war was in my living room. The reality of some marriages that are unsuccessful is that you did not sincerely lay out your plans before saying “I do.” Why? For fear of not hurting anyone’s feelings? Oh, so feelings should be hurt behind closed doors? Another reality is that sometimes we (both male and female) don’t fully know all of our plans before marriage because God sometimes reveals our dreams and aspirations in layers. We only hope that the love we are feeling for this person might carry us to a great destination. So if you find yourself falling in love with inflexible personality traits, it would be wise to disclose the direction of your thoughts as it relates to life and success and not your plans or your career choice, because as we all know, that can change from day to day.

    If you are now in a marriage and always soliloquize about “He loves me, He loves me not” or “I love him, I love him not”, then you want to re-examine why you married this person in the first place, and it’s not too late. Re-examination thought processes go like this: Not sure why I married this person, I like what I saw then, this person was so cute, very tall, very short, just the right build, has financial security blanket, I was getting old anyway, needed to have children quickly, etc. While we think these lists above are so superficial and shallow, they can be a good foundation for a marriage. If we look at the different Bible marriages, they were hatched for all kinds of shallow reasons. There was no time to study your partner for 6 months, two years or even seven years. In this day and age, it is not that studying partners are not ideal, but do not ignore the warning signs either. As I was studying, I found out that character traits like honesty, integrity, flexibility, dependability, and reliability can transcend a marriage from shallow to greatness. Notice, I did not say intelligent, brilliant, clever, or has financial management skills. This second list can also help your marriage become great. But without the first lists which are innate, the second list has no chance in creating a successful marriage. Love can fade without the strength of character to maintain it. The reverse is not true of character. In other words, if you are honest and no one loves you, you will still be honest.

    Finally, if you want the marriage that is built on a rock (Matthew 7: 24-27), get those right materials from the start or change your materials in the middle of the storm if you can. Remember, everyone wants to build a great marriage, but if you have the wrong marriage materials, the rain, the flood, and the wind will come and beat against that union and the collapse will be great.

    Reflection:

    1. Is there any hope for someone currently in a marital closet?
    2. Should I still believe in my dreams of having a great marriage?
    3. When my dreams collide with my reality, is there any compromise?
    4. Does marital compromise have rules and limitations?
    5. How can I change my materials in the middle of the storm?
    6. Can marital closets just remain between marriage couples without exposing them?
    7. Can miserably married be substituted for happily married?

     

  • Lessons: Blog, Fear, Love & Judgement

    Lessons: Blog, Fear, Love & Judgement

    Most people do research on subjects, topics, or words before they reach a conclusion or give their own expert opinion on things. In my head, I’ve been wondering; do these research experts ever experience symptoms of the very thing they set out to research? If yes, did that personal experience affect the research’s conclusion or did it make the research findings more valid? On this blog, I am trying so hard not to make this another research site because most people who know me know that I love research findings. On this blog, I need to ensure that these writings are authentic experiences drawn from my personal and professional life’s journey. Who needs another “According to so, so and so.” In my mind, if I have not experienced life, words mean nothing on pages. It will be inauthentic to constantly research things I should have experienced by now. Examples are:

    Fear: Courage, confidence, and success bypasses fear to get to their destination. There is no courage if you haven’t experienced some kind of fear that you needed the courage to conquer. The opposite is also true. There is no failure, shame, or insecurities without fear. What is fear? Why does fear control everything we do? Fear is a form of anxiety, powerful enough to paralyse you and tries to stop you from your success. Fear is actually a powerful human emotion that is inside of us to enable you resolve the stormy voices and to release courage and confidence that will propel you to your destiny. How? Since fear can operate on both sides of the aisle, it can be good or bad. You want to acknowledge what makes you afraid, ashamed and insecure? Read about them or expose them to someone in a safe and non-judgmental relationship. #comeoutofthefearcloset.

    Love: There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). As I studied, I was amazed to discover that fear is connected to love. So, if you love someone or something and you are afraid of that person or thing, it simply means you are punishing yourself. (1 John 4:18 continues, “ for fear has to do with punishment”.) Remember the bible also says, “Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.” Let’s concentrate on the “love yourself” part. If you love yourself, you will not want to punish yourself by being afraid, right? So, if I am still afraid of someone or something, does it mean I am not in love? Absolutely, because if you are still worried and second guessing about your relationship(s) or how successful you want them to be or not to be, in anything, then your love is fueled with fear. Years of been afraid without loving properly can last a lifetime. #exposeyourlovefears    

    Judgement: This is the most enslaving of them all. I am so afraid of being judged or misunderstood. This happens to me frequently. Today in my quiet time, I discovered that I am addicted to people’s opinions and approvals. Especially when I think that they know what they are talking about (I am working on it). Judgement is different from criticism. You can criticize my work and still love me, but judgement involves condemnation without love or not knowing the truth or requesting for more facts or evidence, people make partial conclusions on the action of others. When God said in his word, “Thou shall not judge”, it means that the only one who can see all sides of the coin can make a better judgement call. That means, only God.  You weren’t there when I cried myself to sleep on the same matter you’re trying to judge me about (I am working on stopping the tears also).  Judgement voices sound like this:

    • Why do you have to expose yourself? (In other words, keep the closet closed?)
    • Why can’t you just pray and ask God to help you privately? (Religious voices who also forget James 5: 16 that says confess your sins to one another) #exposejudgmentalfears
    • Why are you confessing yours to the whole world? That’s what’s preachers, teachers, coaches, educators and motivational people do. ( Religious voices, Luke 9:26)

    Do exactly what you are called to do. The only person that hears the voice of your calling is you.

     

  • All Closet Self-Reflection

    All Closet Self-Reflection

    1. What are some things that have put you in a closet?
      A list of things found in my many life’s closets includes:
      A. Marital Pretense
      B. Abusive scars
      C. Financial ups and downs
      D. Disqualification (for being different)
      E. Devaluation
      F. Unexplained failures
      G. Shame and guilt (from the actions of others)
      H. Spiritual compromise
      I. Frenemies
    2. Will opening up your closets to others bring relief or solutions?
      I sincerely believe that if you open about your problems to the right person, you will find some relief and comfort, but honestly, there probably will not be any solutions. Have you ever noticed that after you open your heart out to people, they offer a few suggestions and move on without you? Solution only comes from you. Again, you alone can gain the solutions to many of your life’s problems, whether they are in the open or in the closet. Some religious friends of mine may disagree with me, and preach a sermon to solely rely on God. Their argument is that God alone can provide your solutions. While that may be somewhat true, the Bible says in James 4:8, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” and in 2 Timothy 2:15, it says “Do your best to win God’s approval as a worker who doesn’t need to be ashamed of his work and who teaches only the true message.” Okay, so what if you’re like me and you hardly read your bible, will you still find solutions to your problems? The answer is yes. If you want little solutions or delayed solutions, you can just wait around until it happens to you. Or, you can study whatever great inspirational books and actively look for your answers. I recommend studying the Bible, because as many inspirational books as there are in the market, I found out quickly that they all mirrored the very book I have been trying so hard to run away from. The belief you have that something is going to change is actually what changes your closet situations. Don’t we all wonder why everyone has the capacity to succeed regardless of their faith in God? One thing multiple successful people have in common is their ability to study their passion with great intensity. My A-Hah! moment is that I am planning to study along with you guys, my way out of the burden of the secrets.
    3. Do you think untold secrets are closets?
      Absolutely. On this site, I will open one closet a week, post reflections, ask authentic questions, and I will like for everyone who visit this blog to share their comments, concerns, thoughts, feedback, life lessons, and solutions. Ultimately, ask an authentic question(s) as we all go and search for answers. I sure will not forget that both praises and criticisms are constructive ingredients that can lead to an unimaginable and amazing destination. (Notice I did not say “constructive criticisms”, because all criticisms have their own lessons that they are trying to teach.)

    Response: If anyone wants to know what solutions or conclusions from my first writing related to the “immigration closet” has come to, please comment, ask questions, or testify if you can relate, because I think that is my unique closet.

  • Life’s Many Closets

    Life’s Many Closets

    Closets are places you store clothes, shoes or other items. Closets can also be full of secrets that happened to us in the past or things that are currently in lingering. As a child, I loved traveling with my parents and siblings. Growing up traveling from country to country was like breathing to me. I could not stay in one city or country for a long time without itching to move again. Then, I start all over again, with a new environment, new friends, new challenges, and new hopes. Of all those things, nothing would scare me more than making new friends. I wondered if my new friends would be reliable, if they would hurt me like past friends, or if they gossip about me and my life’s issues. 

    With all these whispers in my thoughts, I still was constantly moving because as I move from country to country, some require different forms of legal documentation. If you lack that documentation like me, the constant change will not only prevent you from completing the requirements, but also put you in an “immigration closet”. It is the secret you can never share with any new or old friends.

    Closets are secrets we keep in the different compartments in our thoughts, brain, or mind, while we pretend to be okay as we fully integrate ourselves in our society and answer every question about our well being with “I am fine.” Some pleasant secrets are sweet memories that need to stay in the closet. The secrets that cause you pain or discomfort every time the subject is brought up needs to see some light. I have so many closets such as a marital closet, a financial closet, an abuse closet, a disqualification closet etc. Every week, I will open each closet in detail, to expose the shame, judgement, and stigma that is attached to just being a human who experiences life in a different way.

    Reflections:

    1. What are some of the things that have put you in one of many life’s closet?

    2. Will opening up one of your closets bring relief or solutions? 

    3. Do you think untold secrets are closet?

  • The Journey Begins

    The Journey Begins

    Embarking on a journey as a blogger can be an enriching and transformative experience. Here’s an exploration of my journey, along with some vital life-learning lessons I might encounter along the way:

    1. Finding My Voice:

    Initially, as a blogger, I might experiment with different writing styles and topics. It’s like trying on different hats until I find my fit. This blog is about discovering my unique voice and understanding what resonates with me and others like me.

    Life Lesson: Embrace self-discovery in all aspects of life. Try new things, explore new perspectives, and be open to change. This process helps me understand my strengths and what makes me genuinely authentic.

    2. Consistency and Discipline:

    Maintaining a blog demands discipline. Regular posting schedules, research, and editing require a structured approach. This discipline helps me grow as a blogger and a person who can manage time effectively.

    Life Lesson: Consistency is critical to achieving any long-term goal. In my opinion, whether in career, relationships, or personal development, showing up consistently can lead to significant growth and success.

    3. Embracing Feedback:

    Positive and constructive feedback has become an integral part of my journey. It’s not always easy to hear criticism, but it’s a crucial step towards improvement. Learning to handle feedback gracefully is a skill that extends beyond blogging.

    Life Lesson: I will accept feedback as an opportunity for growth. Be open to learning from others and understand that constructive criticism is a gift that can help me evolve in all aspects of life.

    4. Building a Community:

    Blogging often involves interacting with a community of like-minded individuals. Engaging with readers and fellow bloggers can lead to meaningful connections and collaborations. This sense of community fosters a supportive environment for my personal and professional growth.

    Life Lesson: Building a solid support network is vital in navigating life’s challenges. Surrounding myself with positive, like-minded individuals can provide encouragement, inspiration, and invaluable insights.

    5. Adapting to Change:

    The blogging landscape is dynamic. Trends evolve, algorithms change, and new platforms emerge. Adapting to these shifts is essential to stay relevant and grow my community.

    Life Lesson: Change is a constant in life. Adapting and embracing new circumstances is a valuable skill that helps me thrive in an ever-changing world.

    6. Patience and Persistence:

    I know that success in blogging doesn’t happen overnight. It requires patience and a willingness to persevere through challenges and setbacks. This trait is transferable to various aspects of my life where long-term goals are pursued.

    Life Lesson: Patience and persistence are virtues that lead to achieving meaningful goals. They teach me to focus on the bigger picture, even when faced with difficulties.

    7. Balancing Passion and Purpose:

    As a blogger, I am driven by passion. However, finding purpose in my content – something that provides value or meaning to my community – elevates my work. Balancing power and purpose leads to more fulfilling and impactful content.

    Life Lesson: Aligning my passion with a greater purpose is a powerful force for my fulfillment. It adds depth and meaning to everything I do.

    8. Celebrating Milestones, Reflecting on Growth:

    Acknowledging and celebrating achievements, whether big or small, is crucial in every journey. Reflecting on my progress boosts confidence and provides valuable insights for future endeavors.

    Life Lesson: Recognizing achievements, no matter how modest, reinforces a positive self-image. It reminds me of my capabilities and motivates me to aim higher.

    As a blogger, I’ll find that the lessons learned extend far beyond the digital realm. They shape me, influencing how I approach challenges, relationships, and personal growth in all aspects of life.

    Thanks for journeying with me!

    Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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