Dion Learning Lessons

Tag: heal

  • Devaluation Closet

    Devaluation Closet

    Devaluation is the reduction of worth or value. This second DC (Devaluation Closet) emanates from societal norms, values, and expectations. Where do norms, values, and expectations come from? They come from upbringing, beliefs, culture, educational background, work or home environments, and institutional establishments. There is an expected age to graduate from high school, college, marry, have children, start a career or build a business, and then retire. Any slight deviation from these unwritten norms creates unconscious devaluation to those who fell short. These expectations are set up in a way to chip away at our personal values or character if we do not meet the societal criteria and subliminal deadlines. Those that fall short of these expectations before they turn a certain age (preferable 40, 50 or 60) receive silent or awkward stares of diminished value. 

    ​Although the 21st century is breaking every glass ceiling of the deep rooted social norms, values, and expectations, we still subconsciously suffer from the side effects of being single at an advanced age, miserably married fearing divorce, and televising happily married life without solicitation. People who underperform in each stage create their DC or feel the need to hide or shut down. How? Are you qualified, highly educated, got the dream job, got married, have children, are building your career, yet feel devalued, underappreciated and underpaid? Do you feel the need to explain your worth and value every time you’re asked what you do? Let’s examine the three most extortionate or underpriced values in our culture today. No matter your education, qualifications, or success, society rotates their questions around these three value added lenses.

    Single: Singlehood becomes shameful as some point, according to the common trend that drives my everyday conversations. As a single person turning 32 and unmarried, graduated years ago from college, dated around but had no commitments, running away from immediate family and friends with multiple questions about single-hood was a great idea. Then I ran into a church, where most sermons were full of adoration or idolatry about the marriage institution. (My heartfelt apology to healthy sermons that are Christ-centered). It was as though if you were not married at the societal subconscious procure age, then your value was greatly diminished no matter how financially or academically successful you are. You are unqualified to give advice on marriage issues or hold a prominent ecclesiastical sensitive position. (I Corinthians 7) This chapter is a sermon from unmarried Paul to prospective couples and the married couples. The unmarried should be less preoccupied as it relates to things of the spirit, but our society has placed a high tag on marriage that makes so many aged singles run into DC. (If you’re advanced and single and have never felt devalued, please ignore my experiences.) How do singles over 40 feel devalued in this day and age? The constant barrage of questions, “Are you married? When is your wedding date? Do you have any children? Are you chasing career instead of thinking about settling down? Adopt children or use dating apps and modern day technology etc.” Marriage is desirable; the Bible clearly stated that. But we can celebrate singles without reducing their worth. Children are a blessing from God, not a new figurine to acquire to make society happy. We can rewrite the subconscious rules and make our hearts reflect on the true value of singlehood, (not priesthood) starting with you who is reading this blog now. Ask your unmarried singles who happen to be over 40 what their experiences have been and encourage them if you can.

    Married: The congratulatory messages after finally getting married (either for love or under pressure) will make you visit DC. In trying to set the right balance and evaluate your compromise married meter, you have to give away some values. Marriage is compromise, they say? I say marriage is a selective compromise. What can you really compromise in order not to devalue yourself? For example, you can compromise on different hair colors or hair styles, but not whether to tell the truth or not tell the truth. After many years of unknown expectations, what is married life like? Will I experience devaluation too? Here is a list: competition, abuse, unhealthy compromise, an unsupportive partner, different career goals, being immoral, ethical dilemmas, religious beliefs, political affiliations, financial imbalances, spiritual concessions, and unspecified expectations. These are things that will diminish a person’s values in marriage. Remember that these things are no longer societal norms, but internal conflicts that are capable of stealing away confidence, sense of worth, and values. Seriously, this feels like the 18thcentury, addressing marriages in relation to devaluation. But these issues are currently being discussed daily during my one-on-one encounters with people. ​

    ​Divorced (Detached): Was single, then married, and now it’s over. (I used divorced because it is a common thread, but actually I am a young widow) Grief and loss can be felt after divorce. We are asking more of the same questions: Where do I start? Who do I hide from? Where did I go wrong? Why did I not see this coming? What could I have done to prevent it? Am I not worth it? There is that word again, “worth”, which speaks to value. These questions are deeply rooted in our personal values and that of the society. 

    For many young singles, dating is an exciting time, but for aged singles and divorcees, dating is the scariest time due to the vulnerability of the past and the fear of exposure. People usually give advice like don’t talk about your past during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. In the interim, your dating partner is digging up everything he/she needs to know to establish trust. Opening up the past in any relationship is risky, but it is the only currency needed to be trusted. I know what you are thinking, it can also scare them away. Well, love is not easily afraid or shaken in any way. God gave us the Bible with the good, the bad and the ugly without leaving any of the uncomfortable details out, while at the same time professing His love for us. Leaving out your past for a long time in a new relationship is a ticking time bomb of deceptive explosives which will truly shrink your value. But ask questions like “Would you want to know if I have anything in my past that would make you uncomfortable?” Divorces and baggage can whittle away at  your self-confidence and leave you in the DC for long if not properly exposed.

    Freedom Thoughts

    ​​​​Let’s take a look at “competition”. This word is a common thread that links the three reasons devaluation mostly happens. As a single person you compete with your siblings, friends, colleagues, or other family members. First to go to college, first to be married, first to own a car, first to have children, etc. I know I can hear some of my friends screaming out loud, “I don’t compete with anyone, only with myself.” While that is true on some level, maybe you are constantly comparing, which is another form of competition. The fact remains whether you are intentionally or unintentionally avoiding competition, it does not mean the rest of the world won’t compete with you. The need to compete is probably why the societal norms, values, and expectations can stick to us like glue. If you neither compare nor compete, how do you measure growth or success? You have to hold a mirror to see what is clear, and believe me, if you are your own mirror, then we have a problem. Mentor-ship can create a healthy competition, while pioneers have the grace to function without paying any attention to imitations. Romans 12:6

    In marriage, competition can be degrading. For example, a friend who is a nurse suggested to me that she wants to further her career to be a doctor, but her husband said no. When she laid out the main reason for her husband’s refusal, I was shocked. The husband is a doctor, and his reasoning was that he doesn’t want her to be in the same professional circle or class as him. I said what? In this day and age? But my inner spirit quickly shot me down, and instead prompted me to ask her the most important question which was “Do you love him?” She quickly answered yes without thinking it through. My advice then was do not go to medical school. She was furious, but I was serious. If you love him, acknowledge his fears and insecurities. Maybe he will overcome them someday, or maybe not. I have seen marriages break because both partners were feeding their egos through educational goals and career successes. But I have also seen marriages break because there was not enough career challenges to keep the couples together. Yes, people sacrifice their careers for love or sacrifice love for their careers. Either way, be sure you can handle being single at any stage.

    Reflection:

    1. If you’re an aged single, married, or divorced, and you are truly happy, keep it that way.

    2. If you’re a miserable single, miserably married or divorced, speak up and change your circumstances.

    3. Education, qualifications, academic titles, (such as Dr., Arc. Barr.Engr.,) was not full addressed in this closet because some use these degrees or titles as a mark to hide from daily human emotions.

     

  • Disqualification Closet

    Disqualification Closet

    Disqualification can be internal or external. For many years after sharing my ideas or visions with a few people, I’d hear something like this “They said you can’t.” I have always wondered, who are the “they”? Does “they” have a physical address? Can I visit “they” and have a heart to heart conversation of never giving up with “they”? What I am getting at is that I was building a new DC (Disqualification Closet) even before I evaluated my own strengths and weaknesses. Even the greatest weaknesses of mankind ever recorded have been neutralized from ever disqualifying anyone from greatness. A person can also discourage themselves from the loud disapproval that is coming from friends, families and others. The voice of disqualification sounds like this, “What makes you think that what you are bringing to the table is different from what someone else has brought to that table before?” The reason I called this closet “DC” is because that great idea, that next generation technology, or that big dream could have changed the world or maybe just changed one person, but it remains hidden forever because the wrong light was shown on it. In the age of disqualifications, people’s potentials are wasting, while only a few dare to dream bigger than themselves. Then, we all stand in awe of their dreams that are blossoming right before our eyes. ​

    ​This closet can also be titled the “cannot closet.” The thoughts that I am having right now for this DC goes like this; I am not educated enough, I am too educated, I don’t have the right credentials, I don’t have the right title behind my name, I am not famous enough, I am not strong enough, I have a different background, a different degree, I have an accent, too black, not black enough, my grammar is sometimes off, sometimes right, I am not smart enough, etc. Who said we only need smart, famous, or strong people before we can do anything? (1 Corinthians 1:27) These are clutches that no one should lean on while on their way to success. These thoughts are all thoughts that flow through our minds when we are trying to put ourselves in a DC. The reason it is a disqualifier is because you are hiding it from people and looking for the right time to perfect your disabilities before taking any action. That right time will never come, if you don’t act right now on whatever you got in your DC, then you’re not ready for any kind of success. Most smart and successful people started with their DC with plenty of failures and inadequacies along the way. No success without plenty of failures. “Practice makes perfect” or “Practice makes permanent”. These are slogans that do not hold the whole truth. Consistent practice with periodic assessments not only makes perfect permanent, but transforms generations. Don’t practice something to perfect it when it has been proven not to work. During periodic assessments, change course if need be. 

    Freedom Thoughts

    ​When you are disqualified from anything life throws in front of you, you go searching for answers. Let’s take the story of David and Goliath in the Bible. I know this is a common sermon preached with different interpretations, but let’s look at David. He was disqualified even before he had a chance to prove his qualification. First, his family ridiculed him for his stature, profession, and his position in the family. Second, his nation ridiculed him about not having the right material to slay the giant Goliath. If you are familiar with 1 Samuel 17, Goliath’s qualifications from his youth was so magnified that it made David’s nation dismayed and greatly afraid. David used his years of training in the field mixed with faith. (Education Vs Faith is another day’s blogging title) Faith can mean believing in God, confidence in yourself, trusting your instincts, having courage, knowing your strengths, or a substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1). 

    ​As people were disqualifying David, David was requalifying himself (1 Samuel 17:28) David’s eldest brother angrily rebuked David and accused him of showing off. “I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart.” Wow! Have you ever shared something with someone then they immediately think you are prideful or just showing off when in your heart you were only trying to tell them you can slay a giant? David became smart, famous and strong after he defeated the obstacle in front of him with his faith, a stone, and a sling. You cannot be smart, famous or strong without first opening your DC. The significant of David’s faith, a stone and a sling, is that you cannot use another person’s faith and opinions to defeat any giant in your life, you have to use your own tools (I Samuel 17: 38-39) I believe that another person’s education and faith are not easily transferable or received by osmosis. We can benefit a little from people’s education and their faith, but that benefit is not enough to change the world or our immediate circumstances. 

    ​Finally, as you try to get out of your DC, do not drive yourself into the competitive mood. Don’t copy things you are not passionate about. (Romans 12:4) I have recently learned that we are all different in three ways: our fingerprints (what we do), our footprints (where we go) and our mouths (what we say) can make a difference in our family, faith, business, education, justice system, media, and even the government. Find your own Goliath nation to conquer and leave your three DNA prints there. 

    Reflection

    1. Be educated, not only in the academic setting, but other settings

    2. Be encouraged to study, train, and pick up tools as you are getting ready for the day of disqualification

    3. When “they” pull out their list of disqualifications, be ready to pull out your list of qualifications

    4. Open your DC wide without fear until you find your purpose in life and slay that giant

    5. If the education or the certifications required was met, find out why you were disqualified

    6. Requalify yourself by any good means necessary

    7. Find tolerable solutions around religion and politics

    8. Find peaceful solutions around injustice and racism 

    9. I know some of you will say, “Fight injustice and racism!” Yes, Only if God gave you the tools to do so. Not many people are equipped to fight a battle that sometimes only belongs to God and probably one man (1 Samuel 17) Remember the whole of Israel’s army was at the battlefield including their chosen king Saul.

    10. If you do not use injustice, racism, and the unfair nature of life as a clutch, success is inevitable.

    11. Today, regardless of race, religion, and politics that has clouded justice, success can thrive without a hinge. 

    12. There should not be a universal standard for qualification or disqualification without understanding the uniqueness of individuality. “Life is not fair.” But life is promising.  

     

  • Marital Closet

    Marital Closet

    Part 1: In My Dreams

    As young girl growing up, I dreamed of a fairy-tale wedding, the one that will surpass that of Kate Middleton and Megan Markle put together. Every little girl has the permission to dream these marital dreams and air them out loud to their friends and family. As odd as this may sound, I still believe in fairy-tales and a “Happily Ever After”. “Seriously Cleopatra, a Happily Ever After?” Yes! Happily Ever After! I have met some friends who confessed to me that they will remarry their current partner if there was such a thing as reincarnation. That my friends, is a happily ever after marriage. Why a fairy-tale analogy, you may ask? Not only does that happen to a minute section of our population, we need not to take away hope from young girls. Your fairy tale can be “I want to marry Mr. Rich”, or “Mr. Successful”, or “Mr. Intelligent” or “Mr. Potential”. No matter how trivial these dreams look or sound, they can actually come true if you believe in them. They can happen by God’s design, or by working hard to make them a reality.

    Someday, I thought Prince Charming (not Prince Judgmental) would see me on the street, in class, in church, at a friendly party, or during my many travels. Notice. I did not say in the bar or in the club because I don’t frequent those places, even now (Although I wish I did go, maybe my Prince Charming went there for a day just to take a sip of beer or to look for the best dance partner). This is not because I am super religious or anything. My reason for not going to the bar or club was because I had a phobia of going to those places alone. I never wanted to be labelled as a prostitute. The thought of “prostitute” came from my upbringing. Words can scar people for life. I found out quickly that whether you are in the club or not, an unintelligent person will find a way to still label a woman as a prostitute. When your Prince Charming dreams were dashed, you store that dream into the closet and that becomes the criteria for evaluating every incoming relationship. Most of us later settle for Prince Judgmental, who was ready to magnify our insecurities by calling us names like fat, lazy, skinny, bony, weak, unworthy, etc.

    Part 2: In My Reality

    When it comes to a marital pretense or a marital closet, most “Mrs.” are good at love and fuzzy outward displays of affections that makes everyone envious or dream of having a wonderful marriage like theirs. While we talk about the fluffy and fuzzy feelings of love and marriage, no one bothered to take a closer look at the strength of character, integrity issues, and sincerity of partners in the marriage union (If your marriage is healthy but not perfect, this message is not for you.). Marriages can be for love or for show. It is perfectly okay to marry for love and also okay to marry for show. If you had an elaborate wedding or are planning on having one in the future, I applaud you, because I believe that enjoying your hard earned wealth is part of life. Why work so hard to accumulate wealth if you are scared to use it for your dreams. However, if you marry for love at the registry or in your backyard, that’s also great. They say love conquers all.  As I journey in my life, I have learned to reserve judgement because I can never really walk in anyone else’s shoes but my own. To me, everyone has the ability to make their own decisions, change their own course, and respond appropriately or inappropriately and evaluate any situation that they find themselves in, because life is the biggest blackboard or “Smartboard” around.

    Was my marriage for love or for show? It was for both from my perspective as a woman. I validate men’s perception/opinion on marriage, too (Why? Topic for another day’s blog). When dreams are delayed for many years, marriages are hatched with the intent to change personality flaws. I married someone I thought I could mold into my own image, not God’s image. I wanted them to be my best friend or my only friend, my supporter, the encourager of my dreams, a partner and not a competitor. Same career maybe, same religious views, or the same political orientation. Looking back I ask myself; was my spouse also trying to mold me into their own image? Wow, I can see the clash of two nations already! Each one trying to build their dreams at the other’s expense. There are major conflicts and disagreements that are hard to reconcile. I felt like the lighter to start a war was in my living room. The reality of some marriages that are unsuccessful is that you did not sincerely lay out your plans before saying “I do.” Why? For fear of not hurting anyone’s feelings? Oh, so feelings should be hurt behind closed doors? Another reality is that sometimes we (both male and female) don’t fully know all of our plans before marriage because God sometimes reveals our dreams and aspirations in layers. We only hope that the love we are feeling for this person might carry us to a great destination. So if you find yourself falling in love with inflexible personality traits, it would be wise to disclose the direction of your thoughts as it relates to life and success and not your plans or your career choice, because as we all know, that can change from day to day.

    If you are now in a marriage and always soliloquize about “He loves me, He loves me not” or “I love him, I love him not”, then you want to re-examine why you married this person in the first place, and it’s not too late. Re-examination thought processes go like this: Not sure why I married this person, I like what I saw then, this person was so cute, very tall, very short, just the right build, has financial security blanket, I was getting old anyway, needed to have children quickly, etc. While we think these lists above are so superficial and shallow, they can be a good foundation for a marriage. If we look at the different Bible marriages, they were hatched for all kinds of shallow reasons. There was no time to study your partner for 6 months, two years or even seven years. In this day and age, it is not that studying partners are not ideal, but do not ignore the warning signs either. As I was studying, I found out that character traits like honesty, integrity, flexibility, dependability, and reliability can transcend a marriage from shallow to greatness. Notice, I did not say intelligent, brilliant, clever, or has financial management skills. This second list can also help your marriage become great. But without the first lists which are innate, the second list has no chance in creating a successful marriage. Love can fade without the strength of character to maintain it. The reverse is not true of character. In other words, if you are honest and no one loves you, you will still be honest.

    Finally, if you want the marriage that is built on a rock (Matthew 7: 24-27), get those right materials from the start or change your materials in the middle of the storm if you can. Remember, everyone wants to build a great marriage, but if you have the wrong marriage materials, the rain, the flood, and the wind will come and beat against that union and the collapse will be great.

    Reflection:

    1. Is there any hope for someone currently in a marital closet?
    2. Should I still believe in my dreams of having a great marriage?
    3. When my dreams collide with my reality, is there any compromise?
    4. Does marital compromise have rules and limitations?
    5. How can I change my materials in the middle of the storm?
    6. Can marital closets just remain between marriage couples without exposing them?
    7. Can miserably married be substituted for happily married?

     

  • All Closet Self-Reflection

    All Closet Self-Reflection

    1. What are some things that have put you in a closet?
      A list of things found in my many life’s closets includes:
      A. Marital Pretense
      B. Abusive scars
      C. Financial ups and downs
      D. Disqualification (for being different)
      E. Devaluation
      F. Unexplained failures
      G. Shame and guilt (from the actions of others)
      H. Spiritual compromise
      I. Frenemies
    2. Will opening up your closets to others bring relief or solutions?
      I sincerely believe that if you open about your problems to the right person, you will find some relief and comfort, but honestly, there probably will not be any solutions. Have you ever noticed that after you open your heart out to people, they offer a few suggestions and move on without you? Solution only comes from you. Again, you alone can gain the solutions to many of your life’s problems, whether they are in the open or in the closet. Some religious friends of mine may disagree with me, and preach a sermon to solely rely on God. Their argument is that God alone can provide your solutions. While that may be somewhat true, the Bible says in James 4:8, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” and in 2 Timothy 2:15, it says “Do your best to win God’s approval as a worker who doesn’t need to be ashamed of his work and who teaches only the true message.” Okay, so what if you’re like me and you hardly read your bible, will you still find solutions to your problems? The answer is yes. If you want little solutions or delayed solutions, you can just wait around until it happens to you. Or, you can study whatever great inspirational books and actively look for your answers. I recommend studying the Bible, because as many inspirational books as there are in the market, I found out quickly that they all mirrored the very book I have been trying so hard to run away from. The belief you have that something is going to change is actually what changes your closet situations. Don’t we all wonder why everyone has the capacity to succeed regardless of their faith in God? One thing multiple successful people have in common is their ability to study their passion with great intensity. My A-Hah! moment is that I am planning to study along with you guys, my way out of the burden of the secrets.
    3. Do you think untold secrets are closets?
      Absolutely. On this site, I will open one closet a week, post reflections, ask authentic questions, and I will like for everyone who visit this blog to share their comments, concerns, thoughts, feedback, life lessons, and solutions. Ultimately, ask an authentic question(s) as we all go and search for answers. I sure will not forget that both praises and criticisms are constructive ingredients that can lead to an unimaginable and amazing destination. (Notice I did not say “constructive criticisms”, because all criticisms have their own lessons that they are trying to teach.)

    Response: If anyone wants to know what solutions or conclusions from my first writing related to the “immigration closet” has come to, please comment, ask questions, or testify if you can relate, because I think that is my unique closet.