Devaluation is the reduction of worth or value. This second DC (Devaluation Closet) emanates from societal norms, values, and expectations. Where do norms, values, and expectations come from? They come from upbringing, beliefs, culture, educational background, work or home environments, and institutional establishments. There is an expected age to graduate from high school, college, marry, have children, start a career or build a business, and then retire. Any slight deviation from these unwritten norms creates unconscious devaluation to those who fell short. These expectations are set up in a way to chip away at our personal values or character if we do not meet the societal criteria and subliminal deadlines. Those that fall short of these expectations before they turn a certain age (preferable 40, 50 or 60) receive silent or awkward stares of diminished value.
Although the 21st century is breaking every glass ceiling of the deep rooted social norms, values, and expectations, we still subconsciously suffer from the side effects of being single at an advanced age, miserably married fearing divorce, and televising happily married life without solicitation. People who underperform in each stage create their DC or feel the need to hide or shut down. How? Are you qualified, highly educated, got the dream job, got married, have children, are building your career, yet feel devalued, underappreciated and underpaid? Do you feel the need to explain your worth and value every time you’re asked what you do? Let’s examine the three most extortionate or underpriced values in our culture today. No matter your education, qualifications, or success, society rotates their questions around these three value added lenses.
Single: Singlehood becomes shameful as some point, according to the common trend that drives my everyday conversations. As a single person turning 32 and unmarried, graduated years ago from college, dated around but had no commitments, running away from immediate family and friends with multiple questions about single-hood was a great idea. Then I ran into a church, where most sermons were full of adoration or idolatry about the marriage institution. (My heartfelt apology to healthy sermons that are Christ-centered). It was as though if you were not married at the societal subconscious procure age, then your value was greatly diminished no matter how financially or academically successful you are. You are unqualified to give advice on marriage issues or hold a prominent ecclesiastical sensitive position. (I Corinthians 7) This chapter is a sermon from unmarried Paul to prospective couples and the married couples. The unmarried should be less preoccupied as it relates to things of the spirit, but our society has placed a high tag on marriage that makes so many aged singles run into DC. (If you’re advanced and single and have never felt devalued, please ignore my experiences.) How do singles over 40 feel devalued in this day and age? The constant barrage of questions, “Are you married? When is your wedding date? Do you have any children? Are you chasing career instead of thinking about settling down? Adopt children or use dating apps and modern day technology etc.” Marriage is desirable; the Bible clearly stated that. But we can celebrate singles without reducing their worth. Children are a blessing from God, not a new figurine to acquire to make society happy. We can rewrite the subconscious rules and make our hearts reflect on the true value of singlehood, (not priesthood) starting with you who is reading this blog now. Ask your unmarried singles who happen to be over 40 what their experiences have been and encourage them if you can.
Married: The congratulatory messages after finally getting married (either for love or under pressure) will make you visit DC. In trying to set the right balance and evaluate your compromise married meter, you have to give away some values. Marriage is compromise, they say? I say marriage is a selective compromise. What can you really compromise in order not to devalue yourself? For example, you can compromise on different hair colors or hair styles, but not whether to tell the truth or not tell the truth. After many years of unknown expectations, what is married life like? Will I experience devaluation too? Here is a list: competition, abuse, unhealthy compromise, an unsupportive partner, different career goals, being immoral, ethical dilemmas, religious beliefs, political affiliations, financial imbalances, spiritual concessions, and unspecified expectations. These are things that will diminish a person’s values in marriage. Remember that these things are no longer societal norms, but internal conflicts that are capable of stealing away confidence, sense of worth, and values. Seriously, this feels like the 18thcentury, addressing marriages in relation to devaluation. But these issues are currently being discussed daily during my one-on-one encounters with people.
Divorced (Detached): Was single, then married, and now it’s over. (I used divorced because it is a common thread, but actually I am a young widow) Grief and loss can be felt after divorce. We are asking more of the same questions: Where do I start? Who do I hide from? Where did I go wrong? Why did I not see this coming? What could I have done to prevent it? Am I not worth it? There is that word again, “worth”, which speaks to value. These questions are deeply rooted in our personal values and that of the society.
For many young singles, dating is an exciting time, but for aged singles and divorcees, dating is the scariest time due to the vulnerability of the past and the fear of exposure. People usually give advice like don’t talk about your past during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. In the interim, your dating partner is digging up everything he/she needs to know to establish trust. Opening up the past in any relationship is risky, but it is the only currency needed to be trusted. I know what you are thinking, it can also scare them away. Well, love is not easily afraid or shaken in any way. God gave us the Bible with the good, the bad and the ugly without leaving any of the uncomfortable details out, while at the same time professing His love for us. Leaving out your past for a long time in a new relationship is a ticking time bomb of deceptive explosives which will truly shrink your value. But ask questions like “Would you want to know if I have anything in my past that would make you uncomfortable?” Divorces and baggage can whittle away at your self-confidence and leave you in the DC for long if not properly exposed.
Freedom Thoughts
Let’s take a look at “competition”. This word is a common thread that links the three reasons devaluation mostly happens. As a single person you compete with your siblings, friends, colleagues, or other family members. First to go to college, first to be married, first to own a car, first to have children, etc. I know I can hear some of my friends screaming out loud, “I don’t compete with anyone, only with myself.” While that is true on some level, maybe you are constantly comparing, which is another form of competition. The fact remains whether you are intentionally or unintentionally avoiding competition, it does not mean the rest of the world won’t compete with you. The need to compete is probably why the societal norms, values, and expectations can stick to us like glue. If you neither compare nor compete, how do you measure growth or success? You have to hold a mirror to see what is clear, and believe me, if you are your own mirror, then we have a problem. Mentor-ship can create a healthy competition, while pioneers have the grace to function without paying any attention to imitations. Romans 12:6
In marriage, competition can be degrading. For example, a friend who is a nurse suggested to me that she wants to further her career to be a doctor, but her husband said no. When she laid out the main reason for her husband’s refusal, I was shocked. The husband is a doctor, and his reasoning was that he doesn’t want her to be in the same professional circle or class as him. I said what? In this day and age? But my inner spirit quickly shot me down, and instead prompted me to ask her the most important question which was “Do you love him?” She quickly answered yes without thinking it through. My advice then was do not go to medical school. She was furious, but I was serious. If you love him, acknowledge his fears and insecurities. Maybe he will overcome them someday, or maybe not. I have seen marriages break because both partners were feeding their egos through educational goals and career successes. But I have also seen marriages break because there was not enough career challenges to keep the couples together. Yes, people sacrifice their careers for love or sacrifice love for their careers. Either way, be sure you can handle being single at any stage.
Reflection:
1. If you’re an aged single, married, or divorced, and you are truly happy, keep it that way.
2. If you’re a miserable single, miserably married or divorced, speak up and change your circumstances.
3. Education, qualifications, academic titles, (such as Dr., Arc. Barr.Engr.,) was not full addressed in this closet because some use these degrees or titles as a mark to hide from daily human emotions.
