Part 1: In My Dreams
As young girl growing up, I dreamed of a fairy-tale wedding, the one that will surpass that of Kate Middleton and Megan Markle put together. Every little girl has the permission to dream these marital dreams and air them out loud to their friends and family. As odd as this may sound, I still believe in fairy-tales and a “Happily Ever After”. “Seriously Cleopatra, a Happily Ever After?” Yes! Happily Ever After! I have met some friends who confessed to me that they will remarry their current partner if there was such a thing as reincarnation. That my friends, is a happily ever after marriage. Why a fairy-tale analogy, you may ask? Not only does that happen to a minute section of our population, we need not to take away hope from young girls. Your fairy tale can be “I want to marry Mr. Rich”, or “Mr. Successful”, or “Mr. Intelligent” or “Mr. Potential”. No matter how trivial these dreams look or sound, they can actually come true if you believe in them. They can happen by God’s design, or by working hard to make them a reality.
Someday, I thought Prince Charming (not Prince Judgmental) would see me on the street, in class, in church, at a friendly party, or during my many travels. Notice. I did not say in the bar or in the club because I don’t frequent those places, even now (Although I wish I did go, maybe my Prince Charming went there for a day just to take a sip of beer or to look for the best dance partner). This is not because I am super religious or anything. My reason for not going to the bar or club was because I had a phobia of going to those places alone. I never wanted to be labelled as a prostitute. The thought of “prostitute” came from my upbringing. Words can scar people for life. I found out quickly that whether you are in the club or not, an unintelligent person will find a way to still label a woman as a prostitute. When your Prince Charming dreams were dashed, you store that dream into the closet and that becomes the criteria for evaluating every incoming relationship. Most of us later settle for Prince Judgmental, who was ready to magnify our insecurities by calling us names like fat, lazy, skinny, bony, weak, unworthy, etc.
Part 2: In My Reality
When it comes to a marital pretense or a marital closet, most “Mrs.” are good at love and fuzzy outward displays of affections that makes everyone envious or dream of having a wonderful marriage like theirs. While we talk about the fluffy and fuzzy feelings of love and marriage, no one bothered to take a closer look at the strength of character, integrity issues, and sincerity of partners in the marriage union (If your marriage is healthy but not perfect, this message is not for you.). Marriages can be for love or for show. It is perfectly okay to marry for love and also okay to marry for show. If you had an elaborate wedding or are planning on having one in the future, I applaud you, because I believe that enjoying your hard earned wealth is part of life. Why work so hard to accumulate wealth if you are scared to use it for your dreams. However, if you marry for love at the registry or in your backyard, that’s also great. They say love conquers all. As I journey in my life, I have learned to reserve judgement because I can never really walk in anyone else’s shoes but my own. To me, everyone has the ability to make their own decisions, change their own course, and respond appropriately or inappropriately and evaluate any situation that they find themselves in, because life is the biggest blackboard or “Smartboard” around.
Was my marriage for love or for show? It was for both from my perspective as a woman. I validate men’s perception/opinion on marriage, too (Why? Topic for another day’s blog). When dreams are delayed for many years, marriages are hatched with the intent to change personality flaws. I married someone I thought I could mold into my own image, not God’s image. I wanted them to be my best friend or my only friend, my supporter, the encourager of my dreams, a partner and not a competitor. Same career maybe, same religious views, or the same political orientation. Looking back I ask myself; was my spouse also trying to mold me into their own image? Wow, I can see the clash of two nations already! Each one trying to build their dreams at the other’s expense. There are major conflicts and disagreements that are hard to reconcile. I felt like the lighter to start a war was in my living room. The reality of some marriages that are unsuccessful is that you did not sincerely lay out your plans before saying “I do.” Why? For fear of not hurting anyone’s feelings? Oh, so feelings should be hurt behind closed doors? Another reality is that sometimes we (both male and female) don’t fully know all of our plans before marriage because God sometimes reveals our dreams and aspirations in layers. We only hope that the love we are feeling for this person might carry us to a great destination. So if you find yourself falling in love with inflexible personality traits, it would be wise to disclose the direction of your thoughts as it relates to life and success and not your plans or your career choice, because as we all know, that can change from day to day.
If you are now in a marriage and always soliloquize about “He loves me, He loves me not” or “I love him, I love him not”, then you want to re-examine why you married this person in the first place, and it’s not too late. Re-examination thought processes go like this: Not sure why I married this person, I like what I saw then, this person was so cute, very tall, very short, just the right build, has financial security blanket, I was getting old anyway, needed to have children quickly, etc. While we think these lists above are so superficial and shallow, they can be a good foundation for a marriage. If we look at the different Bible marriages, they were hatched for all kinds of shallow reasons. There was no time to study your partner for 6 months, two years or even seven years. In this day and age, it is not that studying partners are not ideal, but do not ignore the warning signs either. As I was studying, I found out that character traits like honesty, integrity, flexibility, dependability, and reliability can transcend a marriage from shallow to greatness. Notice, I did not say intelligent, brilliant, clever, or has financial management skills. This second list can also help your marriage become great. But without the first lists which are innate, the second list has no chance in creating a successful marriage. Love can fade without the strength of character to maintain it. The reverse is not true of character. In other words, if you are honest and no one loves you, you will still be honest.
Finally, if you want the marriage that is built on a rock (Matthew 7: 24-27), get those right materials from the start or change your materials in the middle of the storm if you can. Remember, everyone wants to build a great marriage, but if you have the wrong marriage materials, the rain, the flood, and the wind will come and beat against that union and the collapse will be great.
Reflection:
- Is there any hope for someone currently in a marital closet?
- Should I still believe in my dreams of having a great marriage?
- When my dreams collide with my reality, is there any compromise?
- Does marital compromise have rules and limitations?
- How can I change my materials in the middle of the storm?
- Can marital closets just remain between marriage couples without exposing them?
- Can miserably married be substituted for happily married?
