The abuse closet is the most secretive closet to open for the world to see. I am trying to be culturally sensitive as I open this closet. In my culture, which is West African, this is a “taboo” subject to discuss. Women who have been abused sometimes say statements like “I will never tell” or “I will rather take this to my grave” because according to them, they cannot bear the shame that comes with exposing abusive behaviors or an abusive relationship. There is also the notion that if the abusive relationship has financial benefits and the abuser is a great provider, then there is no need to rock the boat. On the other hand, most of my adult life was in the western world, where everyone is encouraged to speak up if they were abused or currently in an abusive environment. This closet has different layers, ranging from childhood to adulthood. As a young girl in college, I was physical and sexually abused on campus by the same young man who professed to love me. I was wounded, broken, and my life was almost altered forever by the blink of an eye. At twenty eight, I was raped at a friend’s house. At thirty two, I was physically and sexually abused by my former boss. At forty plus, I was again physically and sexually abused by another former boss. We all know abuse can happen at any age to anyone. “Poor you!” Oh no, not “poor me.” I have turned all my wounds into victory scars. (Psalm 92: 12 & 94:12-23) For those who have been abused and can understand, empathize and sympathize, I feel you, because no two injuries are the same, even if the weapon that produces those injuries are the same. Wounds can heal and leave a regular scar or a victory scar. (We will discuss victory scars on this blog after we open all the closets.)
However, when you are broken at any age due to abuse, healing might take years. Twenty two years after my college episode, I met face-to-face with my abuser again. Real tears started running down my cheeks, and I was stunned and wanted to know why the pain of this abuse was still garden-fresh in my memory. Numerous other cruelties have happened years after college, so why does this still hurt so much? Maybe because it was my first ever encounter with an abusive relationship that set the tone for many other abusive arrays over the years. If you’ve ever been abused and then hide it, even as a child, it is then easier to hide every other abusive encounter, even if they are unrelated to the first abuser.
I started searching for answers, because I should recognize abusive tendencies, (I thought to myself) by the age of forty. I read books, listened to Oprah, went for counseling, and used my mustard seed faith to ask God some hard questions and He answered me back with Psalm 37. Abuse usually happened at home or in a relationship. I never thought that any employer would ever put their hands on me because I applied for every job with undeniable qualifications, and my skills were on the table, not my body. (If you know me well enough, I am a lifelong learner who probably is thinking of what classes to enroll in after this blog session.)
This abusive closet is closely related to the modern day #metoo movement, hiding from abusive powerful bosses for more than two or three decades. When the #metoo movement came to light, many were taking aback. While this saga was playing out on our television screens and news outlets daily, I was working under a boss whose name could be substituted for Harvey Weinstein or any of the other #metoo larger-than-life public figures and it will fit perfectly. As each day went by, and abusive male names were dropped and slandered on the media scene, my boss would say to me,” That will never happen to me, they are so foolish leaving their tracks without coverage.” What does that mean, you may ask? It simply means these predators had enough power, money, and influence to keep things from going south.
Do you know that in an abusive environment, no matter how powerful you are, your predator can sense your vulnerability? Examples are you love your job, your clients love your services, the job pays very well, you feel like the job was tailor made for you or you have a sense of purpose doing this job. These examples sound like good qualities any boss will appreciate in an employee, but to an abusive boss, they are also your vulnerabilities. I was very influential and powerful in my job arena, yet vulnerable but did not know it. I was at a job where sexual harassment was the norm. Who should be the first to speak up against our workplace’s Harvey Weinstein? After you summon up the courage to speak up, what is the backlash? My backlash cost me everything. I still have no regret for speaking up, but there was no justice either from the natural look of things. (Psalm 94:1 & Romans 12:19) I felt broken again, yet relief for the courage to leave. I still have some residue of unforgiveness, resentment, injustice, and wondering why plain evil can still have the nerve to walk around freely. I know for some that your Harvey Weinstein stares at you daily in your face. Find the courage to just tell one person, because when you let a little blink go, it turns into a wink, and so forth progresses to unwrap and the rest is history. In many cases, if the predator is rich like mine was, they will say something along the lines of wanting their money or their little bit of fame. Why that in it of itself is not true, it is another tactic to keep you enslaved. I got to thinking, how much can anyone pay for a sorrowful life that was abused? What is the price tag for the potential that was lost, and what that potential could have developed without the abuse? In my opinion, priceless! I know someone who was victimized, got paid, but are still not healed nor function well in the society. Over the years I have learnt to separate the payout from the pain. This begs question, “I am successful, so why I am still broken? How could I not know that my spirit was broken for this many years?” These questions are valid, and in my profession, I teach people how to recognize abusive signs, what safe measures are in place for victims, refer them to counseling, and even report abuse if I suspect it is happening to someone. I was very purpose-driven, racing to achieve one level of success after another, until I met face-to-face with my first abuser, and I became uncomfortable in my closet. I believe that the joy of helping others through my profession gave me satisfaction and partial resolution until I was ready to embark on my very own journey of healing.
Refection:
- Report abuse to someone very close to you that is not also close to your abuser.
- Do not speak until you are TRULY ready to expose the evil and heal.
- If you can ignore the shame, stigma, judgement and questionable credibility issues that comes with your courage to open this closet, then your healing will start.
- Move to another city or town if you have to (very important healing step).
- If your abuser is been idolized by people around you, tell someone with a neutral standpoint, maybe a counselor.
- Remember that the same people who were on your team before you exposed the gruesome details of the abuse might leave.
- Remember to not bite more than you can chew, and assess your situation before you open this closet.
- I sincerely believe that some abusive behaviours are never to see the light of day, probably because some are quietly resolved, left unresolved, or buried forever
- Either way, you need to heal. So, if you are still struggling to function after you have suffered from some type of abuse, it is time to speak up.
- Remember your Harvey Weinstein might never be caught or face justice, but exposing your truth in this closet is for your personal growth.
Freedom Thoughts
While it is written that God will avenge wrongdoing Himself, (Romans 12:19.) It is also written that God will forgive wrongdoing as well (1 John 1:9.). What if the same people who hurt you so deeply are also having their own awakening and praying for repentance? When two teams are trying to play some kind of sport against each other, both teams are praying to win the game. How will God answer both teams’ prayers? (Think about it this way; both you and your predator are praying to God to win at this game called life.) According to the Bible, He hears the cries of the righteous as well as the cries of a sinner.
Again, is loving and praying for your enemies or those that have done you wrong more important than seeking revenge or justice at all cost? Even if you are seeking justice from God or man? (Matthew 5:44) These biblical principles make me wonder at times, but try them, they work. My freedom thoughts for today is praying to win, work hard to achieve that win, study frequently to keep the wins coming, learn from the losses, and trust God to complete everyone’s master plan according to His sovereignty. (Romans 8:28) If you have a vision of what God’s master plan is for you, you will not have time to obsess over the evil that the enemies have done to you or will do to you. The enemy’s’ devices can sometimes accelerate God’s master plan for your life. When God’s master plan reaches your lap, you will always be thankful for all (not some) that the enemies have put you through. Wow! That’s why we should love and pray for our enemies, because they are helping God directly or indirectly perfect our master plan.
