Shame is a spiteful embarrassed emotion naturally associated with an undesirable judgement of oneself, which sometimes causes feelings of misery, vulnerability, uselessness and unimportance. Guilt is a mental or a sensitive feeling of sorrow that transpires when an individual comprehends that they have conceded their own values, predominantly in areas of spirituality, morality, and ethical principles. As past experiences reintroduced themselves into the present subconscious mind, it’s important to open them up to solutions.
Shame and guilt are intertwined in my own experience. When I feel ashamed, I feel guilt almost at the same time. Shame has to do with the loss of value and worth, while guilt has to do with the decision we made or did not make to stop that devaluation from happening. In other words, I do not necessarily feel guilty without first feeling shame. This might not be true for everyone, but the definition and explanation above is not from a purely research angle, it is from my own personal experiences. One of my favorite authors on the topic of shame is BreneBrown, whose research and teaching on vulnerability, shame, and courage are a must read. But I have not completely dissected BreneBrown’s research findings because I want this closet to be as authentic as possible from my experiences. To save time, I will only address three major areas in my journey that has presented themselves in the shame/guilt closet.
1. Body Image (Weight is mostly emphasized in our culture) What? People hide their body in the closet too? Yes! Sometimes physically, but mostly mentally. The fact that someone is getting up and moving around every day does not take away the unhealthy feeling they have about their body or physical appearances. (Botox, splendour, fashion, plastic surgery, make-up, selfies, wigs and hairstyles are accessories that can mask self-esteem issues sometimes) This is the fact that you are genuinely dissatisfied with how you look, feel and act on the world stage. It may not be because anyone criticized you, but that the criticism of yourself has taking a shameful turn. I know our society is obsessed with physical appearances, beauty and thinness, especially with young people. In it of itself is not bad, but when that obsession excludes all other factors including physical health, psychological health and genealogy, then beauty is just an illusion. So why shame yourself if someone made an unkind remark about your looks. “Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholder” I respectfully challenge this old and ancient adage. Beauty I will say is in the hearts, hands and minds of anyone who understands their worth and value. “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he” Proverbs 23:7 who is “the beholder” of beauty? And what is “the beholder” thinking as he/she beholds that which is beautiful? Can “the beholder” change “the not so beautiful thing” to the most beautiful? At 40+ you want to look 20 but have the wisdom of a 40+ year old? Well, I could take on this challenge in the 21st century with the use of cosmetology, diet, exercise or surgery. But the challenge to look 20 at 40 is unfair and mostly bias because that challenge is reserved for only women in our society, not men. Up until this morning, my friends are talking about weight and weight loss programs they have all tried that were unsuccessful. Collectively, most professional experts have decided that staying healthy is better than looking a certain way. We can all agree that is not acceptable to shame someone who makes a different decision than you. When it comes to body image, be your own advocate, because you know your state of mind better than any “beholder”. I am not encouraging putting beauty on the back burner or in a corner, but I am encouraging self-evaluation before shaming yourself when it comes to your looks, weight or appearance. I know that the need to feel beautiful drives cosmetology and selfie images on social media sites, but neglecting the fact that to stay beautiful, you need to care for the two most important parts of that body which is the mind and the spirit. Note I did not say work harder at making yourself look good or glamorous (which we all do anyway). If you feel good inside, you will look good outside. Both sides on the weight scale (too thin/too chubby) can create shame/quilt, but those who live their life strategically and confidently without caring about what side of the spectrum that weight number is, usually succeed.
2. Harmful Secrets: The prideful past of my generation has enabled me to keep harmful secrets in order to protect my reputation and that of others. I can hear someone’s judgmental screams in my ears, “How can you keep harmful secrets? If you know they were harmful why didn’t you spill them out?” Shame/guilt does not reason with logic. The first instinct is denial and disbelief, protect reputation, and retreat to isolation. Some of the things that I have had the fortitude to share with you these past few weeks on this blog, were once deep dark depressing secrets that threatened every area of my life, even when I thought I was successful. Keeping these locked closets was robbing me of a true success story. As I journey through life’s many closets, the question for me was, what is success without all the benefits that should come with it? If success brought more sorrows than joy, why chase success? I really wanted to re-evaluate those success stories that I kept telling myself and everyone else. The Bible said “The blessing of the Lord, it makes one rich (successful) and He adds no sorrow with it” Proverbs 10:22 I know I can hear my Christian friends screaming in my ears again with many bible verses about “longsuffering” but what are you suffering from? For me it was my unrevealed harmful secrets that God already provided help for through others. If you stay in your shame/guilt closet without asking for help, you deny yourself the blessing, healing, and comfort that God has already provided through others. Find out what God can do secretly without anyone’s help and what he can do through helpers. Psalms 118:73.
3. Education: I think everyone I know wants to be educated or gain some form of knowledge or training to live their everyday life. With that said, why does education cause shame/guilt? The amount of education you have or did not have or could have had can cause shame/guilt. Everybody is going back to school, pursuing great careers and you’re not, then you start having shame/guilt from hearing their testimonies. There is a need to keep going or match up in the area of education, not because it is your passion or what you have to do, but just to add more titles to your belt or because you have no courage to tell your friends that you are not passionate about your new degree or title. Your goal is just to belong, add the “Dr.” title to your already long abbreviations, or probably be another high income earner. An example of a shame/quilt educational ladder, I attended a meeting with mostly professionals and educators in different fields, and met a friend named Mike. I simply said hello to Mike and he became very upset, because I did not address him with his title “Dr. Mike”. As he rebuked me for not adding his title to his name, I started feeling “less than” for a few brief seconds as I retreat to my closet of shame/guilt. Thinking maybe I not qualified enough to be in Mike’s presence, maybe I need to go back to school, or simply stop being friends with Mike. Then, comes my awakening, maybe Mike is just arrogant, insecure, and insensitive or he simply wants to be acknowledged with his title because of the number of years he spent in school. Either way, I love to address my own “less than” feelings not because I am not content, but because anything that makes me uneasy demands action or exposure to become easier. (FYI: Great Academicians if you need your title highlighted please give me a heads up, especially when you’re my friend.)
Freedom Thoughts
Shame is the need to hide what has happened, guilt is the powerlessness you felt or still feel for not being able to stop what has happened or what is still happening. I understand that shame can arise from what people are saying or perceiving about the situation, while guilt can arise from loss of value or worth. In any case, why do we feel guilt from the actions of others? I should feel some kind of peace if I did not initiate the wrongdoing. For me, guilt feels like “Why didn’t I make the right choice? Why didn’t I evaluate all angles before making the choice? What red flags did I miss when I made the choice that entangled me?” I have discovered that it is easier to forgive others than yourself. Things that created your guilt emanates from yourself, but the actions of others are not directly attached to your daily experiences. Although, in some rare cases, others shaming you can lead to great success but shame can mostly send people to the closet.
Reflection
1. Constantly re-evaluate things that make you uncomfortable
2. Your shame/guilt are valid, but uniquely different
3. Advocate for your needs by exposing them
4. Share both harmless and harmful secrets in a safe space just to help others
5. Information, solutions, and awakenings are continuously happening through different fluid frequencies
6. Remember you are never alone in the thoughts that have crossed your mind
7. Qualify friendships with great value and moral system
